At long last: The One With All the (online) Dating Questions.
If you’re new here, welcome. You may want to start this journey by heading over to my Instagram and checking out the “dating” highlight where we started this conversation a few weeks ago.
Today, I’m answering reader submitted questions about all things dating. Let’s dive into it.
Are you afraid a potential date will find this post and be turned off by you?
No. If a man is threatened by an honest conversation about dating, he’s not the man for me.
What do you do when your ex pops up on a dating app?
“Remove” and/or “Block” and continue on your merry way. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Continue moving forward.
Why are men just children trying to pass as adults?
In my dating experience, I’ve found this typically has a lot to do with previous relationships and family dynamics. More often than not, they’re not held accountable. For anything. So they bop along in life expecting the same ease they’ve always encountered. Some of them also just don’t care. I lived with a male (yes, male because he was not a man) for two years and the one huge lesson I took from it was that males and females are very different – like, truly, our brains are wired very differently. This is why good communication in relationships is so crucial.
Is it ever OK to go back to someone who did you wrong?
In my opinion, no. Particularly if they did you wrong. They didn’t consider you in that moment. Why would you expect that to be different in the future?
How do you decide if a relationship is over or your bar is too high? I feel complacent.
Your bar is never too high. Your standards are your standards and you should never settle for anything beneath them. Spoken from someone who has absolutely settled before – it never works out. If you’re asking yourself whether the relationship is over because you feel complacent, you have your answer. There are schools of people who would suggest spicing things up, trying new things, etc. but I’m not one of them. Sometimes it just isn’t working – and that’s ok. Relationships don’t always end because someone cheated or you found out some unforgivable secret. Sometimes relationships end because you outgrow the other person or maybe you were never the right fit to begin with.
How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship?
In my experience, it’s time to end a relationship when you have that feeling of complacency or you’re not getting what you need from your partnership. My last long-term relationship ended because my ex cheated. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been thinking about the prospect of something more for quite awhile. It should have ended there but I thought I was doing the right thing trying to save something I had put so much of myself into. I knew and I should have trusted my gut. But as women, I feel like we’re always considering the “what if”. What if they change, what if this gets better, what if I don’t feel like this tomorrow. That’s not how this works. If you want more, go get more.
I got ghosted after great few weeks of texting. Do I reach out?
No. Why are you interested in reaching out to someone who is not considering you? Don’t chase him. I’m also a firm believer in, if a guy likes you he’ll figure out how to date you. Hard stop. Stop tricking yourself into thinking you like him just because he’s messaging you.
Why are men so insecure and unstable?
In an attempt to be diplomatic, I will say, “not all men” but most are not doing the work they need to do. They jump from relationship to relationship so they don’t have to focus on themselves. Since women are not rehabilitation centers for men, it never works.
Which dating app should I be on?
In my opinion, there’s no one clear winner. While I used to prefer Bumble, I now prefer Hinge. Bumble used to be my weapon of choice because women controlled the gates of communication. However, because of this, Bumble allows men to swipe right on potentially every woman that appears and then wait for them to initiate conversation. Making it not as much the “women empowered” app it claims to be and more just women doing all the work. With Hinge, either party can initiate conversation. You can even send a message with your initial like. This also means you’ll potentially be sorting through messages from people you’re not interested in. In my opinion, it’s the lesser of two evils.
Why is dating so hard?
Think about how hard it is to make girlfriends as an adult. Now add a romantic element to that. You’re trying to find someone who you enjoy being around all the time, feel comfortable with in any setting, and gives you space to be the best version of yourself. Of course that’s going to be hard to find.
I don’t want to waste my time dating a Trump voter. How do I ask?
You just ask. I have a line about it in my profile. Yes, that will attract a few extremists trying to make their case but I’d rather be upfront about a very solid dealbreaker than waste my time. Before I had it in my profile, it was one of the first things I brought up. Be honest with yourself. If it’s a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker. (For me it is ) Do not edit your boundaries.
How do I date when I don’t like people?
I feel this. Deeply. Be very clear about your expectations, both with yourself and with potential dates. Do not be afraid to drop a match before chatting. Protect your energy. When I engage with every person who reaches out, I’m exhausted. You don’t owe anyone anything. Reserve your witty banter for the ones you’re actually interested in.
How do you balance being on your own but wanting to meet someone eventually?
You carve out time for yourself and don’t immediately throw yourself into something with someone when it happens. Be a little unavailable – not in a playing games way but in a protecting your space way. If Sunday is your self-care night, keep it. Move your date to the following night. If Thursday is your reading-alone night, keep it. Move the date to the weekend.
I really value my alone time. But I’d also like to meet someone. So when I’m on a dating app, I treat it like I would a date. I log on two to three times a week, pour myself a glass of wine and sit down and focus on chatting. Just like I’d go on two to three dates a week, have a glass of wine and focus on chatting with my date. If you check in every day, multiple times a day not only will it drive you crazy, you lose your balance.
How to engage on dating apps? I can’t talk about the weather anymore.
I only engage with people who have taken the time to say something interesting in their profile or as an opener. If you’re talking about the weather, you’re in the wrong place. Once, I matched with a guy because he had an Orioles hat on in his profile and I figured we’d at least have that to talk about. That’s the wrong mentality to have and I got what I deserved.
I answer a few more questions over on my Instagram under the “dating” highlight:
How do you stay excited about dating when you’ve had so many bad dates?
How do I date during the middle of a pandemic?
How do you know when you’re ready to date?
How do you start dating again after a long time out of the game? I feel like a wet sock.
Do you have a question about dating? Or advice for one of the questions above? Leave it in the comments below ↓