Check out The One With All The (Online) Dating Questions | Part 1 here.
What do you do when you catch feelings for your ‘Friend with Benefits’ but you know he’s seeing other girls?
In my opinion, there are only two avenues here, and neither is easy. You can shove those feelings down and keep on doing what you’re doing. Or you can share how you’re feeling with your “Friend” and navigate from there. The question you should start with is, “What do I want from this?” Do you want to keep it casual, regardless of other players? Do you want to try at a relationship with this person? Be honest with yourself about your intentions and expectations before initiating whatever conversation you’re going to have. It will foster more peace within yourself, whatever the outcome.
The first and second dates go really well but then he ghosts you. What gives?
He’s just not that into you. And that’s on him, not on you.
The reason doesn’t matter which is infuriating, isn’t it? The only thing that matters in this equation is the ghosting. It’s a loud and clear message that there’s a lack of respect. Run.
When someone ghosts it’s about them. Not about you. Maybe he was too busy, or met someone else, or life happened. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter. He didn’t make the time for you. Bottom line: He was not emotionally mature enough to be honest with you and that’s not a quality you want in a partner.
How do you handle inevitable disappointment from dating?
Wine. And girlfriends. And the comforting thought that with each date you find out a little bit more about yourself, your boundaries, and what you’re interested in (and what you’re not interested in).
How can married friends help single friends with dating without being annoying about it?
I love this question and 10 points to you for asking it. You can ask them if they want you in that part of your life, how you can support them (general sounding board, checking in after dates, set ups, etc.), and go from there. If you feel like you’re not close enough to ask that single friend this question then you shouldn’t be involved in the first place.
I’m trying to play the numbers game (keep swiping!) and balance being conscious and present without over-investing in one guy too early. I’m burnt out.
Been there. It’s exhausting. My recommendation is to drop the numbers game aspect of the equation so you’re left with a smaller pool of (potentially) more potential than a larger pool with a bunch of crap in it that you have to wade through.
As far as over-investing, have you tried dating multiple people at once? Seeing each person every week or so keeps things rolling at a casual, steady pace. I used to only allow one or two nights a week as dedicated to date nights. If the nights filled up, scheduling dates moved out to the next week. No compromise. This ensures you’re still making yourself available to your friends and able to prioritize yourself in the middle of dating.
How do you keep conversations going on an app when they’re not asking any questions?
Maybe the more important question here is, “Why would you want to?” I think sometimes we can make more out of an initial match than exists. I’ve certainly been guilty of it. And then there’s an expectation that there’s already a connection when maybe the other party is just swiping and liking to increase their odds of getting whatever they’re looking for. You picking up what I’m putting down?
If the conversation isn’t free flowing and you’re finding it difficult to keep it moving, then it likely isn’t a conversation that’s worth your time.
How do you voice your standards/expectations without coming off scary or aggressive?
I believe that these are two different things. Voicing standards and expectations is a normal human thing to do, particularly in the dating world. If that is received as scary or aggressive, that’s on the receiver, not you. And, hello, you are not responsible for making prospective partners feel comfortable with your feelings. You are only responsible for yourself.
Case in point: I’m currently dating someone, exclusively. After a few dates, I knew I was interested in a relationship with this person. So I told him how I felt. Would I have been bummed if he hadn’t been on the same page? Sure. But I wasn’t interested in keeping my feelings to myself until he decided what he wanted. You’re allowed to know exactly what you want and go for it. Normalize that. And if it rubs someone the wrong way, they’re not the someone for you.
Worst case scenario: They’re not interested in the same thing. Maybe your ego is a bit bruised. Be proud of yourself for taking initiative and going after what you wanted.
Best case scenario: You get what you want.
Where can I meet quality men and not a man-child?
After dating for 18 years of my life, I can say, without a doubt, that immature men exist everywhere. In executive boardrooms, in fancy cars, in expensive condos; everywhere. In my opinion, the chances of a relationship working out does not depend on where you meet. I’ve met bad boyfriends through friends and great boyfriends through apps. I’ve met great guys who were interested in commitment at bars and men who were leading double lives and cheating on their wives through matchmaking services.
What’s most important here is your gut. You’re the best barometer, the best judge of character in this situation. There’s no magic aisle in the grocery store or specific dog park that’s going to be better for meeting men. That being said, if you’re interested in becoming a dog mom, maybe a dog park is a good place to scope out the single dog dad scene. If you’re interested in someone who also does triathlons, try joining a tri training group in your area. Go out and enjoy the things you enjoy doing. It will increase your chances of meeting someone who is interested in those same things in those spaces.
Have a dating question you’d like answered? Leave it in the comments section and it will be included in Part 3 of this series, publishing next week!
Interested in more reader submitted dating questions? Check out Dating Apps: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.