There are two types of women who attend pro football games. The ones who go for the love of the game & the ones who go to annoy the hell out of the ones who go for the love of the game. Otherwise known as ‘those girls’. You know the ones I’m talking about…the ones that wear pink jerseys. The ones who drunkenly scream at everything, take endless selfies, & run to the bathroom 42 times during the game ensuring you miss at least 3 solid plays since you have to maneuver out of their path of destruction each time they walk by. At this point, my mother would scold me for potentially hurting the fragile feelings of this pink jersey yielding group of offenders but this must be stopped. Your vodka soaked shenanigans are for Clarendon Ballroom or Mad Hatter, at best. Not for the 400 section of Fed Ex Field & certainly not the lower deck. The horror.
Regular season is upon us. I wait 6 months for this glory & I don’t want to be blinded by your pepto pink during this sacred time. I know, nay, I am most certain that your team’s colors are not now nor have they ever been pink. With the exception of the month of October when the NFL so proudly supports Breast Cancer Awareness month, you should not be donning any variety of pink in any stadium. And even then, for the love of all that is good & holy, purchase your pink from the official NFL Breast Cancer Awareness Shop & put your money to good use.
I’m -this close- to launching my nachos at the next diva I see in a baby pink Redskins jersey in the middle of September. Just kidding. I would never waste nacho cheese on that obscenity.
In other news, the NFL is out to persecute all women. Yes, you heard it here first. The cluprit: clear game day bags. Due to the fact that I can’t talk about this topic without getting sufficiently riled up, I’m leaving you with the official guidelines. Be strong, ladies.